Three College Degrees and I’m a Barista
Up until two years ago, I lived my life following an impeccable plan on how to succeed in society. My parents are experts at getting the “right” degrees and choosing the “right” companies to climb the corporate career ladder, so they taught me the ropes. I followed the steps to a T and each new step came with a big chunk of approval that kept me going. That is until my subconscious couldn’t take it anymore. Mental health issues started appearing right and left until I finally chose peace of mind over “success”. Except… Where did my future go?
It’s nice to have your entire future mapped out. Whether the plan feels right for you or not, the certainty of knowing where you’re going and the idea of being in control of your life is definitely appeasing.
My Crystal Clear Future
My future has been crystal clear from the start. I was good at a lot of things, had both the numbers and the people skills, and loved speaking different languages. Seeing as I was creative on top of that, my parents envisioned me thriving in a big multinational company as a creative marketer. The perfect use of all my talents.
I started college and studied Applied Economics, got both my bachelor’s and master’s degrees, and went on to study at Business School to get an Advanced Masters in Creativity and Marketing. I ended up studying in four different languages and going to school in three of them for at least six months each. On top of all that I did two rewarding internships and a bunch of educational student jobs. I hit all the checkboxes to end up with a successful career and a top position in the ladder life.
The Shoe That Doesn’t Fit
After years of pushing down my anxiety thinking that was just “life”, bingeing my fridge every night, and getting multiple panic attacks a week, I realized it was probably time to see a therapist. I had invested a lot of money in personal coaching to help me achieve my career goals, but prioritizing mental health never crossed my mind.
My therapist came up with an interesting analogy that served as a painful but relieving wake-up call. What if all this time instead of being “wired” for mental health problems like I thought, I was actually trying to fit into a shoe that just… doesn’t fit?
This analogy reminded me of the pilot episode of Friends where we get to see Rachel for the first time and she tries to explain to her dad why she didn’t marry Barry.
“It’s like all of my life everyone has always told me, ‘You’re a shoe, you’re a shoe, you’re a shoe, you’re a shoe.’ And then today I just stopped and I said, ‘What if I don’t want to be a shoe? What if I want to be a purse, you know? Or, a hat?’ ”
At this point, I have no clue if I’m a shoe, a purse, a hat, or who knows what else. I just know that for the first time in years, I’m 100% excited — and not anxious— to wake up in the morning and get to work.
And I’m a barista.
Not the First Time I Tried to Break the Mold
You should know, it’s not the first time I tried to escape my corporate career plan. I quit my job 2 years ago and spent this time pursuing my own online business, only to end up in the same prison of expectations — just in a different context.
I decided to become a self-employed marketing coach for online entrepreneurs, a step that perfectly followed my corporate journey (except without a boss and with twice as much freedom). On top of that, it totally aligned with who I wanted to be; the girl who has the guts to start her own business and go after what she wants. I could already see my hero’s journey unfolding: gutsy corporate escapee turned successful entrepreneur in no time.
A Prison of Expectations
If you hadn’t noticed already, other people’s opinions matter to me. As much as I’d like to say I’m an independent woman and I follow my own path without caring about the naysayers, I do care. A little too much. I’m secretly terrified of being called out for not being smart enough or not being as successful as I should be. And as soon as I make a good impression on someone, fear creeps in that I’m not able to live up to their expectations. So what happens next? I mold myself into the person they think I am to keep it up. It’s exhausting.
I was convinced that starting my own business would be the end of chasing approval and living by society’s plan, and it was for a while. The fresh start of something new, blogging, making videos, writing captions… Loved it. Building my website, getting my first few clients, thinking of passive income products… Loved it.
The turning point came when I gained a bit of a following and more and more people became interested in my content and services. All of a sudden I started feeling the pressure of running a very public business on social media. Every story I told mattered, every post I wrote had to make sense. I couldn’t be completely real anymore because I felt like I had to be the successful coach who had it all figured out. This turned out not to be true because people love imperfections online, but it’s hard to believe that when you’re the imperfect one struggling with comparisonitis.
Showing up and selling became more and more difficult as I began overthinking everything I said and beating myself up over every pivot I wanted to make. I felt like I had lost the initial freedom of running my own business, because “what would my audience think?”. Nonetheless, I kept going, thinking I just had to push through. I’ve never been one to shy away from a challenge, so I wasn’t going to start now.
Zero Expectation Life
Last year the pressure was rising fast and I was getting increasingly lonely, so I thought I’d take a part-time job as a barista to be around people again in real life (rather than virtual only in my online business). That was the perfect “excuse” for me to feel like I could take a job that had nothing to do with my education and paid less than any job I’d had before.
It ended up being more of an escape from my business than an addition to it. A place where no one had an opinion of me yet. But also a place where people liked me for who I was, no one saw me as successful and smart or expected me to do big things in life. I was just there, working hard and having fun.
Finding Myself in a World Full of Influences
I don’t know what my next move is. I don’t know what my future “should” look like. What I do know is that I need to take a step back. I need to look at how I’m living my life based on the influences around me and start to make conscious choices that come from me instead of everyone else. This is what Richie Norton calls intentional living:
“Intentional living is the art of making our own choices before others’ choices make us.”
This quote sums up my life perfectly. Despite it being an escape, the barista job did give me the necessary break to become more aware and ready to make some changes. I’m doing a lot of work with my therapist and my mental health is improving rapidly. I feel like I can breathe again. I’m not ready to give up on my business yet, but I am excited to shake things up. It’s time to finally get in tune with myself and choose the right direction in life — for me.
